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The Top 15 Chuck Norris Facts

June 22, 2007

chucknorrislist.jpgEveryone has heard of the Chuck Norris facts. Over the past few months, they have started to become ridiculous, and finding a list of good ones is nearly impossible. I’ve read through hundreds upon hundreds of horrible ones to put together a list of fifteen of my favorites.

Feel free to post one of your own favorites into the comments.

15. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

14. Chuck Norris was originally cast as Jack Bauer in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.

12. M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

11. Chuck Norris sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.

10. Chuck Norris doesn’t have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

9. Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.

8. If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don’t ask him for his three-hole-punch.

7. The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.

6. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

5. Chuck Norris won’t ever get a heart attack, because a heart knows better than to attack Chuck Norris.

4. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

3. Chuck Norris does not “teabag” the ladies. He “Potato-Sacks” them.

2. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

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79 comments

  1. Awesome post! There are even some up there that I haven’t heard. I think my favourites are # 2 and 15 but I just thought I’d post a couple more that I like!

    Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

    When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

    Haha =)


  2. *grumble* We all know that these are actually facts about JAN BULIS, but were simply copied and pasted. HmpH


  3. My students say these all of the time. Their favourite one is “Chuck Norris isn’t afraid of the dark, the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris”


  4. you should prolly put “Chuck Norris puts the Laughter in Manslaughter.”


  5. If you want to have meet and greet with Chuck Norris, just kneel down and pray….He will answer.


  6. Chuck Norris created the giraffe he kicked a horse under his chin…


  7. Did you know that the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan was actually based on dodgeball games that Chuck Norris played in 2nd Grade?


  8. chuck norris can believe its not butter!


  9. Chuck Norris doesn’t have a “Beware of Dog sign”, he has a “Beware of Chuck Norris” Sign.

    Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding


  10. Contrary to popular belief it was actually Chuck Norris that was dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki


  11. As a teenager, Chuck Norris had a summer job.
    He was a lumberjack in the Sahara rainforest.


  12. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.


  13. chuck norris is the only person on earth that can kick you in the back of the face


  14. Chuck Norris can run so fast that he can punch himself in the face


  15. oxygen cant live without chuck norris


  16. lol heres one that got me as a gamer

    “When Chuck Norris plays Super Mario, the princess is always in the first castle, for the fact of when Chuck Norris tells someone to be there…they better be there!”


  17. You don’t bring a knife to a gun fight, you bring Chuck Norris to a gun fight.


  18. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

    Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

    Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.


  19. chucknorrism.com has list of new chuck norris facts. user submitted facts.


  20. Jesus walked on water, but Chuck Norris swam through land.


  21. Chuck Norris is known to jump out of televisions and roundhouse kick the viewers for no reason at all. Extreme caution is advised while watching any shows involving Chuck Norris. <– http://chucknorrism.com/?mod=chuck_norris_fact&id=282


  22. haha these are great!

    see spot. see spot run. see spot get roundhouse kicked in the face by chuck norris.

    chuck norris can drown a fish.


  23. lightning never strikes in the same place twice because Chuck Norris is looking for it


  24. Chuck Norris does not play God, God plays Chuck Norris.

    Life is not like a box of chocolates, its like a box of Chuck Norris. You always know what youre going to get…a kick to the face.

    Chuck Norris has been to San Francisco twice…1906 and 1989.


  25. Chuck Norris once had sex in a truck. Some of the sperm got into the engine. We now have what is known as Optimus Prime.


  26. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

    Chuck Norris died ten years ago. Death has just been too scared to tell him.

    Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy. It is a Chucktatorship.

    Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.

    And one of my personal favorites…
    If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be seconds away from death.


  27. what color is chuck norris’s blood? trick question. chuck norris does not bleed


  28. Hitler killed himself after he got a telephone call from Chuck Norris.


  29. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

    Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one dared question his reasoning.

    Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

    China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.

    Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.

    Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.


  30. “The original ‘Alien VS Predator’ was called ‘Alien & Predator VS Chuck Norris’, but no one wanted to pay $19.99 to see a movie that lasted 9 seconds”


  31. “Chuck Norris once ordered a ‘Big Mac’ at Burger King, and got one”


  32. “Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.”


  33. “They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.”

    Sorry for the inappropriate language, i just couldn’t figure out any other word that would make the joke still sound good.


  34. “Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.”


  35. “The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably”


  36. “Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.”


  37. “Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king’s horses and all the king’s men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.”


  38. Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times


  39. “China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.”


  40. “When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.”


  41. “Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris”


  42. “Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.”


  43. “A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.”


  44. “Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.”


  45. “Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. “


  46. “If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.”


  47. “Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.”


  48. “When Chuck Norris was denied a McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy’s.”


  49. If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list


  50. If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.


  51. Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.


  52. Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.


  53. Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.


  54. In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.


  55. Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.


  56. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.


  57. Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.


  58. One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.


  59. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.


  60. Chuck Norris invented water.


  61. THIS IS MY FAVORITE ONE!!!

    Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.


  62. well, sorry i just took up like, 1/2 the page but, what can i say?
    I’m a FAN
    Chucktatorship!


  63. Chuck Norris doesn’t have problems, problems have Chuck Norris.


  64. Chuck Norris once made a diamond by staring at a piece of coal.


  65. Chuck Norris doesn’t make typos, he just makes new words.


  66. In the day, There were no tigers. Chuck Norris just got tired of Cheetah Spots.


  67. Chuck Norris can speak brail.


  68. The only reason The Cloverfield Monster stopped attacking was because Chuck Norris put it back on it’s leash and called it a bad dog.


  69. Wrestlers do not come up with their own nicknames, Chuck Norris calls them what he beats them with on a daily basis.


  70. The Game MadWorld is based on Chuck Norris’ High School days.


  71. chuck norris once punched a woman in the vagina for not giving him exact change…


  72. chuck norris drives an ice-cream truck… covered in skulls


  73. people think moses parted the red sea, we were dead wrong it was actally Chuck Norris.


  74. Chuck Norris is currnely sueing myspace for takeking the name of what he calls around you.
    lol


  75. chuck Norris can judge a book by it’s cover
    How to stop illegal immigration; just put chuck Norris at the border
    I’ve heard that instead of a chin, chuck Norris has a third fist under his beard


  76. Chuck Norris once won a game of connet 4 in 3 moves

    Jesus can walk on water but chuck Norris can swim thru dry land

    Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands, now their just “The Islands”


  77. hhahahahahahahhha


  78. Chuck norris doesn’t have hairs on his balls, because hair doesn’t grow on steel

    LOL LOL LOL LOL


  79. When Chuck Norris goes in water, Chuck Norris does not get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris.

    In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. Chuck Norris turned wine into beer.

    Once Chuck Norris was accused of attempted murder. The judge dropped the case quickly because he knows that Chuck Norris does not “attempt” murder.

    Jack was nimble, Jack was quick. But Jack couldn’t dodge Chuck Norris’s roundhouse kick.



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